Deconstructions

by Tabita Doujad

Otter, 22.

What word, if any, might you use to label your gender identity, as you experience it right now? 

Non-binary is what I put on a form that has an option for non-binary. So I guess that’s what comes to mind first, because that’s the only time that I have to identify as anything …somewhat accurately. You know what I mean? Otherwise I just… No one in my regular life is asking me to identify myself, so I never think of it until I have to fill out a form. And then if I have to choose “female” on a medical form then I just block that out of my memory. Like, it’s not even real, that didn’t happen. But then some of them say non-binary. And they never have another word. They’re not like, you know, genderqueer, or - what are the other ones - 

Genderfluid.

Yeah, you feel me. Sometimes, very rarely, if you’re, like, signing up for like a trans thing where they really want you to think that they know what’s up… But otherwise it just says non-binary and I’m like, Oop, well, time to identify!

What image comes to your mind when you think of your gender identity?

The sun. I don’t know why. It’s big. And you can’t touch it. And it’s orange. And I like the color orange. Also, people used to think it was gas, but then they found out it was plasma, so I feel like there’s something very transgender-ly about that.

I’m curious - you said that there might be other options, like genderfluid or genderqueer, and I’m curious if any of those feel more true to you. 

I quite like the word queer. I do. I like it in reference to myself quite a lot. So I guess genderqueer is fun. Because it’s like - it kind of feels like I’m saying genderfuck, you know what I mean? But without saying that. Because queer is a word that used to be a curse word, and now has been co-opted into something else, and I’m like, damn, you just have it on the form. You just said a curse word on the form. So I find that kind of fun. It’s also a little strange, because, like, if it says genderqueer and it’s a cis person who wrote it, I’m like, calm down. I’m like, You can say transgender. And then take a break from talking. …Yeah, genderqueer is cute. I don’t know what about it. There’s an edge. There’s a fun-ness to it. Non-binary sounds so clinical. Binary. Doesn’t that sound final to you?

Is there an image that comes to your mind when you think of your society’s perception/definition of that label that you use? 

The first thing I can think of is a caricature of a queer person or a trans person. Someone who’s like, not quite real. Like a cartoon character, but stepped up a notch. I don’t know. There’s something fantastical about it. Not quite real. I don’t know how to describe it.

What do they look like?

They look like me. And I feel like I kind of look ridiculous on purpose quite a lot, and I guess that’s what genderqueer means to me, is looking quite strange. I mean it, too. I really do mean it. You have to look a little strange. And I don’t even know what I mean by that, like I don’t even mean how I wear bright colors and the things on my eyeballs. But …whatever strange means to you, you have to be perceived as a little strange. I guess that’s what I mean: You have to be perceived as a little strange. Cis people have to think you’re a little strange in order for you to be genderqueer. So funny, because why am I trying to define gender in terms of what cis people interpret? I don’t know. I’m working with what I have. 

Elena, 19.

What word, if any, might you use to label your gender identity, as you experience it right now? 

A person. A human being. A queer, Asian-American woman.

What image comes to your mind when you think of your gender identity?

The idea of expansiveness. Infinity. The first thing that comes to mind is the sky, the ocean; something you can’t really see the end of. 

What image comes to your mind when you think of your society’s perception/definition of the label that you use? 

Well, when I think of the label “woman” in society’s perspective, I think of something that is very far from what I am. You know - like a white, cis woman.

Isa-bella, 18.

What word, if any, might you use to label your gender identity, as you experience it right now? 

Woman, I think. Woman. Confidently. Stand with it.

What image comes to your mind when you think of your gender identity?

I visualize public speakers who identify as being a woman. I went to a bunch of marches growing up, and there were so many famous singers, and poets, and activists who spoke, and I feel that was who I very much wanted to resemble - like a strong woman. Not that you can’t be strong in other ways. But I felt like I very much wanted that to be who I was, as a woman.

What image comes to your mind when you think of your society’s perception/definition of the label that you use? 

Woman. It’s a lot easier than other labels. I mean, I’m cis, and I’m white, and I feel like those things make it a lot easier to be accepted in society, and I feel like I try to walk through life acknowledging that. 

Miles, 20.

What word, if any, might you use to label your gender identity, as you experience it right now? 

I suppose man. Because no other word comes to mind that seems to fit. 

What image comes to your mind when you think of your gender identity?

A sun, and a boy running through a field, and not being a boy or a girl, but being a child, before that stuff. Under a sun. Outside. Just being. There’s something about youth that feels more connected to who I am now than some gender. Time is more of an important question to me than gender, as it relates to how I think about myself and my relation to the world.

What image comes to your mind when you think of your society’s perception/definition of the label that you use?  

Like any label, it comes with ideas and connotations which alienate an individual from potentially connecting with others if they don’t match those connotations or ideas. Specifically with man, it’s like… I don’t really know what it is like. Strength and big-ness and kind of an aggression, or something. I think now, especially at Hampshire, and more places that are on the forefront of culture, I think we are fighting back against those things. But I still think the idea of man is …big and strong, as opposed to light and free.

Rupert, 21.

What word, if any, might you use to label your gender identity, as you experience it right now? 

Man.

What image comes to your mind when you think of your gender identity?

Like a father, but sometimes a boy at the same time. It depends on the mood. But a father, a leader, and sometimes a boy.

What image comes to your mind when you think of your society’s perception/definition of the label that you use?  

It depends on the society, because, you know, societies are different, but in Ghana, men are seen to be using more of their strength for challenges and women are actually seen to use much more of their intellectual and emotional aspects, you know, like reasoning with people, relating. That’s how society sees men in my society, in Ghana. But in the States, I think that across the board, being a man is just acting like a man. I don’t know how a man should act, but it’s like being yourself. Being Rupert. Also, I think that there’s relativity to the whole gender aspect. Because being a man - a man - is a word. And acting like a man is different. You know how they say, metaphorically, Oh, that’s my man - they’re acting like a man. There’s a strength and power to that name. And I don’t think that that’s actually based on your sex, because you can act like a man. It’s playing a particular role. You can … act in a particular way that society has already articulated as being a man, you know. They can say, She’s acting like a man, even though she’s acting like herself. But the society will say she’s acting like a man. And man and women all have their own qualities. Being a man doesn’t make you superior to being a woman. And if you’re a man, you can act like a woman, and get the advantages of acting like a woman. So there are advantages of both sides. And I think they are all perfect.

Ray, 19.

What word, if any, might you use to label your gender identity, as you experience it right now? 

I don’t wanna say that I don’t have a gender, because I think that I do prefer to be more on the masculine side, but I still identify as non-binary. I always tell Tommy that I am a possum, a dirty old possum that lives in a dumpster. And sometimes that possum likes to wear dresses and sometimes that possum will wear a fancy suit. And that’s my gender. 

That’s great, wow. Thank you. I’m exploring how labels and words are not enough sometimes - while in some moments they mean everything. 

Oh my god, I could write a whole story about my gender, and it still wouldn’t be able to encompass the full capacity of the things I feel. 

Is there an image that comes to your mind when you think of your gender identity?

For some reason, when I think about my gender, I think of the ocean. Like, my dad’s side - growing up as a fisherman, and wanting to connect to that masculine side, I always think of the ocean. Because that’s like my dad — the manliest man I know. And so I always think of the ocean when I think of my gender. I think the ocean is something that me and my dad connect to through our masculine sides, but it’s also a creative way of being, like, Gender is fluid! at the same time, because it’s water, you know.

What image comes to your mind when you think of your society’s perception/definition of the label that you use?  

I try to stay up with the times, with the kids, you know. Being in high school, there just wasn’t that label at all, so it was just like, either you were transmasc or transfemme and you had to go within either one of those identities. So it’s nice… It’s probably not enough to have just a third option, but for me, right now, I’m just like, I’m having fun, knowing there’s a third option and exploring that. I think that in twenty years there’ll be so many more words that kids will be able to use to verbalize their gender, which is cool. But right now I think we’re at a good point. I mean, not a good point, but enough where I am happy just saying I am non-binary, and a trash possum, and I think that’s enough. 

Do you think that people understand what it means to be non-binary in the society that you come from?

I mean, no, but I surround myself with people like Tommy and Robyn, who are like my family. And I think that that is what is important to me: that my family understands who I am. And as long as Tommy and Robyn and all of my other friends are happy with who I am, and I’m happy with who I am, that’s enough for me. 

Ava, 21.

What word, if any, might you use to label your gender identity, as you experience it right now? 

If I had to choose a label - and if you don’t want to get…Sometimes you’re sat down, and it’s like, I’m just filling out the fucking form, I’m just having a conversation, so I’m like, I’m a woman. Smiley face. But I don’t know. Some flavor of genderqueer, but I’m fine using she/her pronouns. It’s chill. It’s like, Am I a woman? But you know, any type of presentation is so much effort. I’m just here.

So in terms of what feels accurate to you, I’m wondering if there is a word, like genderqueer, that feels true to you?

As much as anything? I’ve yet to find something where I’m like, Yes. You get it. Because I feel like your gender expression is such an individual thing that it’s like, you have basic categories that are like, I’m communicating how I am to other people, but then you have your own personal thing. 

What image comes to your mind when you think of your gender identity?

My personal gender identity. I don’t know. It’d probably be something kind of campy. Like femininity, but I’m having fun with it, it’s kind of a joke. Of course, if I was born with that extra Y chromosome, then it would be way more obvious, but just the way I am, it’s really kind of a balancing act for me. You know, because if I wear a dress, it’s like, Oh, you’re a woman wearing a dress, as opposed to if I were a little more masc, where it’d be like, Oh, you’re a little funky, aren’t you. You’re doing some fun stuff. Because ideally, the whole presentation would be whatever Tim Curry has going on in the Rocky Horror Picture Show. I did watch that as a kid, and I was like, Oh. Oh, okay, so you can do that. That’s great, I love that for me. But, yeah, that’s a lot of effort, so usually I’m just like, I will put on my pants and my little jacket, and go cover myself in plaster at my studio. 

What image comes to your mind when you think of your society’s perception/definition of the label that you use?  

If someone said Woman and they looked at me, I feel like they’d be like, Yeah, that scans, probably. Not always the best at performing femininity, but like, I’m okay at it. And then the genderqueer thing. I don’t think I really fit what people usually conceive of as that label, just because I’m not androgynous, I’m not thin, I’m not… I don’t know, I think there’s kind of this weird alt vibe sometimes to it, like a fashion that you wear. Which is totally cool, and that slaps, it’s amazing, but it’s not always the look. It’s not a uniform that I can put on. Genderqueerness is a sense of self for me, so it’s not something that I can put on like a jacket, and be like, Now my gender is this. I think when people think of genderqueer they think of the outfit, as opposed to the actual thing that I am. 

Oona, 22.

What word, if any, might you use to label your gender identity, as you experience it right now? 

I think the closest thing is woman. But it is, I think, still weird. It is a weird word. Maybe it’s partly because of age, and I don’t really feel like I’m a full adult yet, but yeah. Woman. Not there yet, but will grow into it.

What image comes to your mind when you think of your gender identity?

Something neutral. I would say balanced. I never want to be too masculine or too feminine - not that that’s a thing, but for me it’s a thing. I really feel the most satisfied and comfortable when there’s things balancing each other out. I think masculinity makes me uncomfortable, for many reasons, and I think femininity makes me uncomfortable for also many reasons. I think it’s just nice to have them balance each other out so that it’s kind of just neutral. 

I’m curious if there’s any place where you think that might come from, where you can trace that desire for balance back to in your life?

I think it does come from being uncomfortable with both femininity and masculinity. And I think that being uncomfortable with masculinity comes from having bad experiences with men. Also, I guess both things - masculinity and femininity - I don’t like. Gender roles make me really uncomfortable, and I think I’ve dealt with that by just being very neutral and in-between. It doesn’t mean that if you’re really masculine or really feminine you have to fall into gender roles. But I think that for me, to not fall into that, or to have people around me not fall into that, I’ve gravitated towards being more neutral. 

What image comes to your mind when you think of your society’s perception/definition of the label that you use?  

Is my society the United States of America? 

It could be either and or, both and all. I’m interested in whatever comes to your mind. 

I think the U.S. has a lot more freedom - or, here I feel a lot more freedom in expressing my gender than I do in Italy. And I think that is because the U.S. - I don’t know, I feel like the U.S. has a wider idea of what a woman can be. Which is not to say - I know that there is still sexism here. But I feel like women are allowed to be more masculine. And in Italy, I feel like it’s just… No body hair, or people will stare at you, bro. People will stare. There’s an expectation of filling a role, I really think. And mostly catering to men, which I think is a thing here too, but …I don’t know what it is. I feel like there’s just a more narrow definition of what is seen as acceptable. And I think beauty is also a really big thing there. There’s a narrow definition of what is seen as beautiful. Long hair, no body hair, you know, a certain type of body. And here, I feel like there’s a lot more freedom, actually. 

Sierra, 22.

What word, if any, might you use to label your gender identity, as you experience it right now? 

I feel like this is coming at a very pertinent time where I have been shifting a lot of things that I have been thinking about myself. I mean, I guess I very much identify with growing up being a woman, or being AFAB* because, like, that’s what I was conditioned to be, and I feel like I experience a lot of, let’s just say, effects of the patriarchy, so I think that that identity is important to me because it feels intertwined with my experience and also how people perceive me, but I don’t think that I view that as my gender. And I mean, I really do like the term “non-binary.” Especially because it’s saying that you don’t have to choose between a binary - it’s both, all, nothing, whatever you want it to be. I also feel more comfortable identifying that way now - because I think in the past I thought that that was kind of like, closed off, or that you had to, like, be really really invested in that as an identity, to really feel that way. But I think I just feel like, in all areas of my life I am interested in challenging binaries, and in challenging systems of oppression, so I don’t think that any form of defining gender in a binary sense is actually accurate. I guess with limited words maybe I would say non-binary. But I don’t think that that actually encapsulates everything.

What image comes to your mind when you think of your gender identity?

I don’t know if there’s an exact image, because I think that things are more feelings… do you know much about affect theory? That question makes me think about affect theory - like, how are we affected by things, but, you know, in a non-linguistic sense. I’m taking a class right now, Queer Feelings with Steve Dillon. And so in the first couple of weeks we were just trying to talk through, like, what’s an emotion, what’s a feeling, what’s an affect. And the working definition that we built was that a feeling has to be - or, doesn’t have to be, but is something that you’ve experienced before, and that you can name. And an emotion is both your physical, visceral reactions and your social - I don’t want to say performance, but like, how you act, how the feeling displays itself. And then an affect is kind of the thing that causes everything, but that is both really minute and really big. Anyways, I think of that in terms of gender because I think it feels very inexplicable, but also whenever I think of it really hard, the only language that we’ve been given is very particular and it’s all based on experiences had before, which is kind of under the definition of what a feeling is. But I think that when we’re just being affected by things, and more in our emotions, and presenting that to the world, and expressing ourselves… I think if I am thinking of an image, it’s more of the feeling of what an image would give me. Which I think - well, the ideal - and this isn’t what I quite feel - is being fully comfortable, and that to me feels like being in nature. Being surrounded by plants, and earth, and sky, and feeling more embodied and connected to the world, and the land. And there isn’t this need for definitions. But I don’t think that’s immediately what I think, because of all of the preconceived thoughts and feelings. 

What image comes to your mind when you think of your society’s perception/definition of the label that you use?  

How I’ve experienced being perceived as a woman is so much related to your body, and how you physically show up, but like, not viewing you as a person, that it’s very much objectifying and about other people’s experiences of you. Whether that’s making them comfortable or making them attracted to you… I think the image is just that you’re not even allowed, or there’s no space to be yourself, because so much physical, mental, emotional energy is being consumed by proprioception. Being aware of where your body is, being aware of how your body looks, and having to be put together, perfect, attractive all of the time. and even when you’re not, like, perfectly together, it feels like it has to be such a curated image of what [being a woman] is supposed to look like. And I think when I was younger, without realizing any of these things, I was really drawn to when women just did things that were unexpected, like wearing sweatpants, or just not wearing makeup, or dressing up a lot more than maybe conventional, everyday people dress up as, because I felt like that was important to see, like there were a lot of other ways of doing things. And to me, that was so much more attractive. Because I was like, wow, you are a person. Or, you could like these things! It was just so much more intriguing, and I think that I always really loved fashion and how you dress yourself. I just love dressing up. It feels so exciting. And that feels, to me, not like a gender expression but just an expression of my emotions, my feelings, and also deeply informed by past fashion, current fashion, by what we perceive as okay/not okay, attractive/not attractive. Because obviously I don’t think you can escape that context, consciously or subconsciously. So I feel like sometimes I am just putting on different aesthetics, picking them up and putting them down, just because I like the way that they look, and less about the identities that are attached to whatever that aesthetic is.

There’s Hampshire world and then there’s non-Hampshire world. I feel like to me what’s important about non-binary or gender expression for me personally is that that’s not an important part of my life, or, I don’t want to be defined by certain things, and just be allowed to be myself. I think that outside of Hampshire, people aren’t really able to separate the schema of what a woman and what a man is supposed to do, supposed to look like, supposed to act like. And so even if you’re acting outside of that, if you align in other ways - I still feel like, no matter where I go, people are gonna say, as I am right now, that I’m a woman. Or, you know, just immediately be like, She! Or, Ladies, or Girls. Stuff like that. So I feel like there’s just not an acknowledgement of that, and just because it’s been so ingrained, I think it’s so hard for people to separate how someone is, how they look, their gender, their sexuality. I think it’s so hard for people to separate those without deeply getting to know a person and being able to see how nuanced things are. 

*assigned female at birth

Penny, 21. 

What word, if any, might you use to label your gender identity, as you experience it right now? 

I don’t know if I think of myself as a gender. I think it’s because my mom, when I was a kid, she loved this book called Woman on the Edge of Time, and they didn’t refer to people by genders or anything, and they always said “per,” like “person,” and so my mom didn’t push any of it on me, and would just kind of let me travel wherever I wanted. For a while there was a giant phase of pink and very feminine, and then there was a tomboy phase… I just didn’t feel like I needed to have - like I never felt like I needed a different pronoun than, like, “she/her," like it just felt okay. I mean, I’m not going to be aggressive, like, Fuck you, don’t call me they/them! They/them never hurt anybody. I feel like woman is a word I will use when I am a fully formed person, and I don’t mean that in the sense of like, when I’ve stopped growing as a person, but like when I am an adult, and I’ve reached the version of adulthood that I have in my mind, I will call myself a woman. Otherwise I do refer to myself as a kid, like I’m still figuring things out, and I think that gives me some room to grow and have more lenience with myself. 

What image comes to your mind when you think of your gender identity?

I don’t necessarily have one image; I guess different parts of my life have different images. In the house I grew up in when I was little, we had a fig tree. And so that was a very important part - because it would grow, and it was growing while I was growing, for a while… And then we went to my grandparents’ house and there was a giant magnolia tree, and I wouldn’t say that the magnolia flowers or the tree itself would represent me, but there was this ivy that climbed through the center, and that’s where I would go to climb, and sit there. I think it changes. But there are images, and if I were to relate them to something, I guess it would be about my mood. If I were thinking about being very quiet and, like, reading, I would think about how for years I would keep little notes and things in the book. And so I would describe myself as, like, the thing that was tucked into the book. And if I’d had a particularly good day and I’d been splashing in puddles, I’d think of myself as the Doc Martens I’ve had since high school. That kind of thing. 

What image comes to your mind when you think of your society’s perception/definition of the label that you use?  

If you wrote me down on paper, and it wasn’t about necessarily all of the physical details that make me, and you said, a female from the South who was raised by a single mother, who doesn’t pick Black or white and is biracial, there could be a lot of different versions and I don’t know that it would be me. Because I think I have surprised some people. There’s a stereotype about where you’re from, and what that means, and I think I’ve always been aware of it since I was little, because I was for a while the token not-white person that was like, Oh, well, it’s a surprise, like you shake people’s hands? and other basic things, and so I don’t know. I try to be aware or it in the sense that, like, when you’re aware of something you can do something about it, but I mean, otherwise it’s kind of fun, fucking with people. 

Max, 21.

What word, if any, might you use to label your gender identity, as you experience it right now? 

 I would say Man.

What image comes to your mind when you think of your gender identity?

I think that I think about wearing long pants and being outdoors around lots of trees. Maybe standing on a rock. 

What’s with the long pants part? 

Well, one, I just like them. I think they’re comfy. But I also find them to be really practical. I think about just how many things I use my pockets for, and I think about clothing and how, you know, “boy” clothes will have better pockets, and clothing for women has tiny pockets that you can’t put shit in. Not that I feel bound to that, but I really like having a lot of pockets. 

I think about people being loud. I think about people being in charge, or telling other people what to do. I think about people being kind of emotionless. I have a visual of dark sunglasses, where you can’t really see what’s going on behind them. 

What a way to conceptualize. I was thinking about what you said - and I don’t know if this feels authentic to an answer you want to give, and maybe not, but I wanted to bring up, partly because we’re friends and I’m curious about your thoughts, how you said something recently about how men weaponize inadequacy…

Weaponized incompetence. 

Yes!

I will say it’s not something that I came up with myself, it’s something I’ve heard people, especially women, talk about. It’s this idea that men will act like they can’t do something so that they don’t have to. The example I see most often is domestic work. Like, a man being like, Well, I’m not really good at washing the clothing. And I’m gonna be bad at it instead of actually trying to get better at it. And just either saying that he can’t do it or doing a really bad job so that he won’t have to. That’s one example.

What image comes to your mind when you think of your society’s perception/definition of the label that you use?

The way that I spoke about how I envision men is kind of a general view that I have from the world at large. And despite that, I have some other really positive portrayals of what that could look like. I think about my grandpa a lot, who is, in my mind, the most positive force of masculinity I have in my life. He was someone who would host brunch every Sunday and always invite people in, even if they weren’t a part of the family, if they just needed somewhere to be on Sunday. He was always generous. If he had, he wanted to give. And I saw that form of both leadership and generosity as something that I really looked up to and identified with, as part of being a man. It’s such a wild balance between that and all of the hard stuff that I see that men are supposed to be. But I’m really grateful for that. 

Abby, 23.

What word, if any, might you use to label your gender identity, as you experience it right now? 

I identify myself as a woman. 

What image comes to your mind when you think of your gender identity?

On a usual, day-to-day basis, there’s not really much of an image. I feel like I’m just Abby. Even though I identify as a woman, it’s just like, kind of passably so. But when I think about moving forward in my life, and potentially having children, and being pregnant, giving birth, it’s like, Holy crap, I’m a woman, and then there’s the powerful image of, like, the divine feminine, in my mind. I think of all the beautiful women in the world. Like: Women are so powerful. And that’s the only time I think of myself and am like, I’m a woman. 

What image comes to your mind when you think of your society’s perception/definition of the label that you use?  

I come from two different societies. I was raised really Christian and really conservative, so the image of a woman is very clear, and the role that comes with that is very clear. You just held yourself very meekly and modestly, and you wore really covering clothing, and, you know, you kept your hair long because you’re a woman and you have long hair, and you were kind of …a servant, in a way. In most of the ways. You’re expected to just be in this certain role of caretaker, and that is it.

But now, in my own adult life, that’s changing so much. It’s so much more open, what a woman is. It’s not like you have to have long hair, and long skirts, and have babies, and all that. It’s like - it’s everything. 

Pinko, 20.

What word, if any, might you use to label your gender identity, as you experience it right now? 

I say non-binary, or agender. Agender.

What image comes to your mind when you think of your gender identity?

The figure-eight swirl from Elliot Smith’s album Figure 8. 

Tell me more?

It’s a great swirl. It’s a swirl of blue and red, and it goes on and on and on. Infinity. Crazy shit. Can I show you a photo?

Yes.

That’s what I think of. Yeah. I don’t know. It just feels like it. I don’t know how to explain why.

When you think of your society’s perception of the label that you use, what comes to your mind then?

Gay! I don’t know. I mean, I feel like I live in a bubble here, so it’s accepted, but I think most people find it confusing. New-age. New age, let’s say that.

Isaiah, 21.

What word, if any, might you use to label your gender identity, as you experience it right now? 

Man, most likely. Man would be the first thing that comes to mind. 

What image comes to your mind when you think of your gender identity?

I often picture some form of strong structure or space that has a lot of variations of warm, comforting elements, but also some mysterious and undiscovered aspects to it that, when they’re uncovered, have a lot of benefits and really amazing pieces to them. Because that’s how I try to portray myself a lot. As tall and, as I’ve been told, as intimidating an individual I am, I try to be as warm and welcoming as possible. I try to be - I wouldn’t say older sibling or older figure but someone that, you know, you can rely on, feel safe around, feel that you can trust, and that kind of ties into that warm feeling, because the warm feeling is calm and relaxing. And that’s kind of what I like to embody in my everyday life, you know. It’s fun to be chaotic and a little bit crazy sometimes but at the end of the day I think it’s important for people to have that warm and comforting feeling to kind of come back to and just ground themselves in. And the thing, too, is that that feeling will change. If you were to ask me this a year ago, that probably would have been a different answer. Like, if I were imagining a place that would describe me right now, it’d be like an underground palace. There’s a big dark cave in the back with a dragon, it’s really fuckin’ cool. But there’s all these people. And I am the ruler of this space, because it is me. I am the ruler of the space that I am. And there’s all these people who I’ve chosen to involve in my life, and it’s not necessarily like Oh, he is king, it’s more of We acknowledge you are powerful. And in return, I’m like, yes. I acknowledge you are powerful, too, and that’s why I’ve allowed you to be in this space, because I trust you, not just with your power, but also with your character and responsibility. 

What image comes to your mind when you think of your society’s perception/definition of the label that you use?*

I think that the perception of man has definitely altered over the course of history — very much so in the last couple of centuries, of course. I think the term man, or manliness, or manhood is less now more of a gender term and more just refers to someone’s character traits. I mean, it’s not really something that can be labeled on one individual. I know plenty of people who identify as women who I would consider, like — that’s kind of a manly trait, you know. It’s something that they embody in their everyday lives that, you know, again, you have to separate the gender classification from what it really, actually embodies. So from where I come from, the term is still kind of used in the old ways. Like, Yes, he is a man, identifies as he/him. But I also come from a community - especially my inner circle - that, as I said earlier, has more of a respect for the weight that comes with the term. Less than the sexual identity, or the most tangible aspect of it, which is usually, for a lot of people and a lot old-school people, the gender part. 

*Isaiah first interpreted the third question as “What is your society’s perception/definition of that image?" The following is his answer to that.

I imagine first hearing it would be a little weird, but I think we all have some - not necessarily grand image of ourselves, but some kind of persona that we all walk around with, if you will. It’s the weight that we all carry behind us. And so at first while might be weird to hear, might be a little strange, like, What’s he talking about? if we really take the time to either be in isolation or be around someone we care about, those feelings start to take shape and then perhaps it does become something a little more descriptive. But it’s an intimate description, if you will. Whereas in my case it’s described as something that we as humans can relate to, you know, structures, places, things, maybe it’s a little more vague, where it’s a feeling that you can’t quite pinpoint but perhaps is expressed in another way, maybe through touch, or through sound, how musicians often translate their feelings through music.

Yarrow, 19.

What word, if any, might you use to label your gender identity, as you experience it right now? 

The first word that comes to mind is expansive. And the second word is infinity. And the third word is Fuck that! [laughs]

Are there words that you’d choose on a form, if they had a bunch of options for gender?

I think the most recent form I filled out was the first time I selected Female willingly in a really long time.

That was recently?

Yeah. And it was actually really nice to feel represented in that moment. There’ve been many times that I haven’t felt that way. But it was an option that I felt comfortable choosing, so I chose it. 

I’ve been finding on those forms recently, like for the summer grant application, they ask you your pronouns. And Hampshire is one of the only - well, probably not one of the only places, but I remember applying to Hampshire and thinking This is so cool of them, and now as I’ve gotten more critical of my own transgenderhood, or whatever, I’ve been like, What? It is kind of different, and odd, that they do that. The options were he/him, she/her, they/them, or other. So I picked Other and wrote she/they. And when I went to Health Services, it said right there on my fucking testing tube, I got tested for an STI, and it said Yarrow Skoblow, they/them. I’m like, Bruh. They/them. [laughs] I don’t have an STI, by the way. It was preliminary testing. 

Is there an image comes to your mind when you think of your gender identity?

Yeah, there is. There’s a couple images that are merging together, into an image that I’ve never actually seen with my eyes, but it’s like this earthen woman - growing out of the earth, pregnant, which made me think of Skywoman. But also Krishna, who’s this Hindu god, and he’s called, like, The all-attractive one. He’s the blue god, and he’s often seen next to his bride, whose name I don’t know. I feel like I picture a lot of Hindu art, gods and goddesses. And lots of color. I also think of that photo you took of me, and I think of my hair really long and flowing, with a headband, so that it’s not in my face, and I’m wearing a skirt, I’m healthy, I’m seen, I feel like I’m wearing gold. Jewelry. And I feel very empowered, and… Yeah. We’re getting into other dreams, now, of how I want to be seen. Of what I envision. 

I think I may have told you about my farm dream, where you and I are walking; it’s early morning and you’re consulting me about something. Organized and respected for exactly what I bring, and there’s nobody else like me. 

It’s already true. But I see it growing for you. 

The last question, which I know is complicated given the complexity of your identity, is about your perception of your society - the society that you come from and that maybe you live in now - your perception of your society’s perception of the particular words that you use to describe your gender identity.

I think of boxes. I think of different people’s positions, familiarities, with the concepts that we’re talking about. Like there’s this guy, Brendan. He used she/her pronouns for me, because he’s kind of a different generation, he’s a little older. And I’m sure they/them pronouns are really new for him. He used them for me - this was recently, actually, last Sunday night - and I didn’t feel unseen at all. Because he wasn’t questioning who I was. Like, the questioning comes from me. So it’s like, if I’m in a convenience store, and I’m in a line, and there’s all these dudes, and one of them’s like, Yeah, she was gonna go for the chocolate bar, or whatever, I don’t give a shit. I’m like, Yup. What’s up. Hey. I just don’t care. But I think in the past - and yeah, when you first asked that question, I pictured Hampshire, and I also don’t really care there. And I just want to say, I think it’s a privilege not to care. I think that identifying with my assigned gender and the gender that is seen when people see my body and hear my voice is a privilege. It’s a privilege to feel comfortable in that, and there have been times for myself where I haven’t felt comfortable in that. Even earlier this semester, the guy in the Amherst bookstore used she/her pronouns for me, and I came back downstairs where he was, and I said, You know, may I offer you some feedback? And he said, Yeah. And I said, You know, earlier you assumed my pronouns, and I don’t actually use those pronouns. And I just wanted you to know that because there are a lot of genderqueer folks in this area, and I feel like at a bookstore like this, that would be a really good thing for you guys to think about. And he was like, Oh, okay, and he literally backed - I swear he literally backed himself into a closet. And I kind of felt bad about it for a second, but it was just one of those moments where I was like, this isn’t that personal for me, but it has been in the past, and I’m proud that now I’m comfortable enough with myself to be like, Yo. But the truth of the matter is, at that point in my life, I was using they and she pronouns. But it’s all… Fuck the fucking pronouns, bro. I don’t know. I feel like there is something deeper, unacknowledged, that holds us in dissatisfaction with who we are, and I want to respect everyone’s journey in their truth. And I also - I don’t know if you should include this or not, but I don’t understand…trans-ness. And I think the reason I say that, instead of saying I don’t understand cis-ness, or I don’t understand the binary, is because cis-ness and the binary is what I’ve been indoctrinated to understand. So I don’t personally hold a deeper identification with it, but it’s more palatable for me. 

I want to clarify, to understand  - trans-ness is more palatable, or cis-ness is more palatable to you?

Cis-ness. It’s more palatable because I’ve been indoctrinated to believe that it’s the standard. So I feel like… When I said earlier I felt more welcomed because of using she/her pronouns again, it’s because of that palatibility of the world around me to accept me. I’ve questioned: Do I actually identify with she/her? Or have I kind of just, like, given up? If there was a world where no questions were asked when I used they/them pronouns, would I use them? That’s why I don’t care at Hampshire. It’s like, Whatever. Because I feel like people don’t question. At least if they do, I’m not paying attention. And I feel comforted, sometimes, when someone like Brendan or some random dude in the grocery store, or somebody even who I know doesn’t wanna hurt me, like at a dinner party, like tonight. One person here used she/her pronouns for me even before I introduced myself with my pronouns. And I dug it. I dug it. I think there’s expansiveness - it goes back to that word - in using the pronouns I’ve used my whole life, up until two years ago when I started using they/them. That’s why I think it’s euphoric for me to rediscover my identification with femininity, because it’s a part of me that I was oppressing for a time. Because I thought that I was a certain person in a certain box of genderqueerness, or masculinity. It’s so weird, too, because I don’t put on collared shirts anymore. And when I do, I feel like I’m wearing dress-up. And not in the fun way. In the hiding way. The one time this semester that I’ve worn an outfit that I would’ve worn last year, I got a compliment from a girl who never would’ve complimented me. This gay girl in my class. And I was like, Yeah. I don’t know, it’s just like: Does this make you think that I’m challenging the status quo, and that’s why you like it? And when I wear my flowy stuff that makes me look more like the standard feminine, or embodied feminine, do you think then that I’m oppressed into a specific thought? Or a specific set of values. I just feel like I never want to live in a community with people who don’t have these conversations, because I don’t feel comfortable, even though I feel welcome in the expansiveness of she/her, in a community where people are not questioning gender. 

Absolutely. 

And also it’s like, Does they/them only exist in resistance to something? I don’t want my gender to be resistance. I don’t know, it’s a question I’ll keep chewing on.

Damn, girl.

[laughs] I also love when people say that. 

Do you remember at the arcade when I accidentally said - I don’t remember the sentence - but I called you Girl, like I just did now. And this was when you were using they/them pronouns. I don’t remember your exact reaction, and I certainly don’t know what your feeling was. But I felt bad about it afterwards. 

I wish you didn’t forget, because I think that would’ve been so informative. 

You looked at me, and it was an Excuse me? kind of look. And I think I was afraid of causing harm - I was afraid that you’d think I saw you as a girl, where perhaps you didn’t want to be seen as a girl. 

Well, I think it’s interesting, and I think… it gets down to this. It’s like, what we want to be seen as versus what we are seen as. Like, what do I want to be seen as? Kind. Welcoming. Trustworthy. Inviting. Ever-loving. Helpful. Self-knowing. And I think the right community and the right people will see me for those things and for many more things, regardless of my pronouns and regardless of my gender expression. And that’s what I feel like is important. Not to say that that’s not important for some people. And it certainly has been important for me in the past, and may be important for me again in the future, but currently, I am not… But fuck, it’s actually… I wish people could see the complexity of my womanhood, because actually I do get treated by certain folks less kindly and less tenderly and less respectfully than I would like to because of their lack of consideration of my lived experience as a femme-bodied person. I feel like it’s important to have people who see you. And sometimes I think we feel weaker and need certain things more. Or, not weaker, but more tender. And no matter where I’ve been, I know that I’ve needed people to see me. That’s just life. 

Lake, 20.

What word, if any, might you use to label your gender identity, as you experience it right now? 

Well, on legal documents and stuff, I usually check non-binary or genderqueer. Although I don’t really have a label in mind organically. But if presented with those options, I would usually go with non-binary or genderqueer. …It’s a complicated question, but that’s an easy answer. 

What image comes to your mind when you think of your gender identity?

Honestly, I think of the color purple. I really love purple. That’s why I dyed my hair purple. And I don’t think that has anything to do with gender, but when I think about gender that’s the image that comes to mind, so I guess innately that feels right for some reason.

Have you liked that color for a long time?

I’ve always really loved the color combo of blue and pink, the bisexual flag, which I’ve identified with very heavily, and I think that that plays into it - I don’t know, it’s like the blend of the two binaries, the pink and the blue, which is the concept behind the bisexual flag, and I feel like that can apply to gender in some respects as well. Also, I really like thinking of gender as an abstract concept as opposed to an identity, because identity is too hard and I’m too lazy to figure that out, so I feel like if I just say some random shit like, my gender’s purple, then it would piss off cis people, and that’s kind of the goal. 

What image comes to your mind when you think of your society’s perception/definition of the label that you use?

I think that people really heavily stereotype non-binary people. I think the biggest misconception in cis peoples’ minds and also within the LGBT community is the idea that being non-binary or genderqueer is being the third gender. Like, there’s male, female, and then there’s the third option. And the label third gender is good for some people, but for the vast majority of non-binary people I know, that just does not correlate with their identity at all. For me, the idea of being non-binary means I don’t have a gender. Like I have my sex, and I’m fine with my sex  - you know, I have physical dysphoria but in general that has nothing to do with my gender. A quote that I really like that relates to that is Gender is like a hollow shell: if you lift it up you’ll find nothing inside. It’s completely a construction. To be a man is to be not a woman, and to be a woman is to be not a man, which means that neither of those things really have concrete definitions. And it’s entirely up to you, basically. You can choose to be a man if you want, and you can choose not to be a man if you want. In the same way, I kind of regard being non-binary, for me personally, as a choice. It’s like a statement that says, I don’t think these constructs that society has invented are valid in the slightest. And so I am going to choose to remove myself from it entirely. That doesn’t mean I’m making a third gender, it just means that I want to be part of a society that exists outside of those standards and outside of gender. And lots of people will just take that and be like, Oh, you’re non-binary, haha, you like frogs. You dress funny, your name is Dirt. Which is like… I say that affectionately, because one of my best friends has a brother who is non-binary named Dirt who loves frogs, and that’s fucking awesome, but I feel like there’s an equal number of non-binary people who are just… I don’t know, who work in a variety of fields, who have a variety of interests, and have a variety of ways that they express their identity. My partner, for instance, is completely non-binary, they/them, but has a masculine name and presents traditionally masculinely. And so cis people would be confused, encountering them, like, Oh, you’re non-binary, why do you look masculine? Or sometimes, on the occasion that I put on makeup, they’ll say Oh, you’re non-binary, why do you put on this feminine costume? People are really, really intent on deconstructing something that is so simple. And I think that’s what really pisses me off about the cis perception of genderqueerness. It’s not deep. I’m not trying to create a revolution, although I respect the people who are, and I believe in the “gender revolution.” But for me, I’m literally just trying to chill. I don’t like being feminine and I don’t like being masculine. It’s as simple as that. I don’t think it’s as complicated as people make it out to be. 

Alex, 18.

What word, if any, might you use to label your gender identity, as you experience it right now? 

I usually say I am just male. But I am trans, so I’m a trans male, I guess. 

What image comes to your mind when you think of your gender identity?

Well, the first thing that really popped into my head was the trans flag. And top surgery scars, which is interesting. …I kind of hate being trans. It’s not really the most exciting thing in the world for me. I guess I am proud of it, but it’s caused me so much emotional pain. Even last year, I was a senior in high school, and I was choosing which college to go to, and I had to put, as one of the first things that mainly mattered to me when I was choosing a school: Am I going to get hate-crimed here? Like, I have to worry about that all the time. Especially with these new proposed bills in Florida and Texas that would require teachers to out trans kids, and where it’s just like, You can’t talk about it, it’s against the law to teach about LGBT stuff. I am so grateful to have so much support from my friends and family but I am constantly kind of worried for my safety if I go out. Which is really annoying. That’s not really fun. And, once again, I am proud. I’ve done a lot. I’ve come a very long way. But it’s something that I really don’t like talking about with strangers, and people that I don’t know that much. But for the longest time I couldn’t recognize myself in the mirror. And finally, I just got top surgery, and I am more than two years on T*, and I am finally starting to be like, Oh shit, that’s me! That’s so cool! But I couldn’t do that for a really long time, so I mean, it’s very complex, thinking about being trans. I’m ashamed, I think, when I’m with strangers. But when I’m by myself, or when I’m with friends, it’s something that I don’t really think about very much. 

What image comes to your mind when you think of your society’s perception/definition of the label that you use?

Right now, I am thinking about headlines. The Don’t say Gay bill, and other news articles… like, Another Black trans woman was murdered. And it’s a thing for like, a week, and then people forget. I am never going to move to the midwest, I have no intentions of doing that, because …I know that there are so many people out there that hate me for being born this way. And especially more South. And it seems like it’s a debate, whether trans people should have rights. Like, what? It’s so insane to me, and every time, for example, an Instagram account like the New York Times, posts something about trans people, even if it’s a positive thing, I always have to make myself not look at the comments section. Because I know that there are going to be so many people commenting really fucked up stuff.

*testosterone